It was a stupid, insufficient answer to a very large and looming question.
What do you want?

Now, I have many things on my ‘what do I want’ list…
A Cure for Cancer!
My daughter to WALK – to be fully healed of her medical issues.
Eric’s health to be restored -or at the very least to hitch a ride with Marty McFly and Doc Brown and KNOW what the problem was earlier!!
OK. Perhaps that would have been too far back, but you get my point.
To be taller.
To have different knees.
You know…the normal stuff 😉

When I began thinking of things I wanted I tried to narrow it down to realistic things.
A NEW CAR is still in the realm of possibilities on this side of heaven.

What I am most irritated about is that I couldn’t condense the amount of information regarding this said ‘NEW CAR’ want into a quick answer. I froze. I said something stupid.
Not the first time…but it was a time I wish I had said something that sounded a little less shallow.

Let me tell you about my NEW CAR desire.

It doesn’t need to be NEW.
It doesn’t need to be a CAR.
In fact, it really needs NOT to be a CAR!

Quickly approaching is the time where we will be facing the purchase and delivery of a power wheelchair for Emily.
She NEEDS a power chair. Her shoulders are beginning to have wear. Pain. Problems.
There are many experiences she is missing out on because the manual chair is so limited in the surfaces it functions on.

This was a tough pill to swallow. Every time we think we are used to a situation, one more piece of equipment, one more diagnosis, one more surgery…we get something new to adjust to.

I am learning the art of joy in all circumstances.
Personally, I feel joy is best when served with brownies! =)

Back to the CAR.

It’s more than a want. It’s a need.
An avenue to experience adventures or seek the new in the ordinary.
A wheelchair van.
Not just any conversion van.
One with a power ramp or power lift.
And air conditioning.
One that is reliable for the millions of trips to the hospital.
Wednesday and Sundays and sometimes Thursdays to the church.
Wednesdays and Fridays to school.
Across town for play-dates with friends.
To the barn to ride Buttons, the miniature horse.
As often as we can to the Grandparents’.
Occasionally to the beach.
and perhaps…one day…it will drive us to Disneyland! =)
A vehicle that will allow for opportunities to go do things as a family we have not been able to do before. The power chairs really are a different animal than the manual!
I desire for Emily to experience life to the fullest -without being so exhausted by the wheeling that she doesn’t have the energy to participate in the opportunities presented to her. Goodness! She can explore all sorts of new terrain ON HER OWN! The grass fields at the park. The horse barn. Brick sidewalks. DIRT!
I am SO excited for her!
The power chair will allow her to store up some of those reserves for when a manual chair is the more appropriate option. It’s not an either/or situation.

I am now wishing I had spoken my thoughts out loud.
Leaving the wrong impression to those who may have been impressionable does not sit well with me.

I know God knows my wants. My needs.
I know He has a handle on this situation.
I am resting in the omniscience of God.
Occasionally I am a bit restless in my resting…
I’m working on that.

The more I stewed in the NEW CAR blunder, the more emotional I became.
No longer suffering due to my careless words. My mind screamed ‘That’s not what I WANT!’
Who WANTS a WHEELCHAIR VAN??

I WANT Emily to be physically WHOLE!

And I cried all over again.
Reliving the grief and the loss of certain hopes.
Certain dreams.
My heart twisted for how hard it is for her to want to do something she can’t.
To be different.
To not always fit in despite her efforts.
To not be invited.
To be invited yet sit on the sidelines.
It’s heart wrenching.
She’s a smart, fun, generous, tenderhearted little girl with too many hurts and hurdles for one so young.

Emily radiates strength. Determination.
She dreams big.
She possesses the ability, intelligence, and tenacity to achieve virtually anything.

God knew the personality she would need to get through this life.
She is an inspiration to me.
A reminder that I need to get out of my pity party and start enjoying what I can do.
Fussing over my knees ain’t gonna change ’em. Move on! =)

* I am looking at different avenues for acquiring an appropriate vehicle.
If you would add that to your prayer list we would appreciate it!
I know God has it all worked out, but sitting around waiting for one to drop from the sky is probably not the wisest – or safest – way to go at the moment.
Please also pray for Emily’s health. She recently had surgery and is doing well. However, she will need a minimum of 3 more surgeries in the upcoming year.
Prayer is a powerful thing and we serve a mighty God.
Hugs to you all!