I feel like I am living in a nightmare right now. It is not enough that my wife is sick with an as of yet unknown prognosis, but in addition the trips and tests and meds are creating an un-manageable financial crisis. So now any semblance of control that I though I had is completely shattered. I mentioned this before, but just to completely clarify the amount of stress that is working on me right now, we have to go to Houston on Monday and I don’t have a dime to do it with. The Dr’s bills can be paid over time, but the gas and hotel and food has to be done up front. I don’t feel like I can say let’s wait until we can afford it because I don’t know when that will be and I don’t think we can wait to get Triann started on her treatment. So now with or without my consent or approval I have been turned into a beggar. I can’t do this by myself, I have no choice but to ask other folks, some that don’t even know us, to help. Does it make sense to anyone how incredibly hard this is? To admit that I can’t earn enough to take care of my family? To rely on others to provide for us? To announce to the whole world that I am not good enough? To top it off I am adding stress to my wife’s life due to my inability to deal with this.

Deep breath…

Triann sent me this on Tuesday and gave me permission to share it.

From: Triann Benson
Date: Tue, 28 Oct 2008 16:17:11 -0700 (PDT)
To: Eric Benson
Subject: self reliance

I know you are having a hard time with needing help. I think it is a lesson in relying on God no matter where the help comes from. Are you relying on God when he gives you the money you need and more? Or are you only relying on Him when YOU aren’t the one making the money? ‘I’ think it comes down to too much ‘I’ in our lives.
It is really hard and very humbling to have help – with the kids, the house, our groceries, medical expenses, on and on. My pride is taking a beating, I can’t imagine what kind of rough shape yours is in! But wouldn’t we be the first to help others? And haven’t we done that in the past? What were our thoughts? How dare they need help? Isn’t it terrible how they have made themselves sick and then needed help taking care of their children? God commissions all of us to help those in need. It is our turn to be in need. It is not easy, but it is reality. We need to focus our energy on health and hope and peace and family – not how do ‘I’ do it with out any one’s help? I am confident we will again be in a position to help others. It just may be awhile =)
God is NOT finished with us yet – thank goodness!
I love you.
Tri

How about them apples? Me moping around and complaining about how “hard” all of this is, and the one is waiting to hear if she is going to make it to her 40th birthday drops that little gem on me.

I can’t finish this post by saying “now everything is better and I am ok with taking assistance from others, I am not a slacker, just a good guy on hard times”, not even close. But I don’t have much choice and I guess I better figure out how to “deal” with it because it is our reality right now.

So where does that leave me? A tired man, scared for his wife, hoping against all hope for some good news and trying to act graciously in the face of unexplainable generosity.

p.s. At the bottom of the page is a widget for the chipin page that Tony DiLorenzo (The Dent Dude, Forward Motion Foundation, Family Blog) created to help us with medical expenses.