This is a question I get daily from friends and family… “how are you guys doing”. I give them the pat answer “pretty good”. I don’t think it is because I don’t want to share what is going on, I just don’t think I know how to explain it or have had the time to try and sort it out. I am going to try to sort it out now.
The biggest thing Triann is dealing with right now is recovering from her surgery. I have to keep reminding her and me that she had a 13cm tumor (we have named it meat wad) removed from her October 8th, just 8 weeks ago. She is still dealing with a lot of pain and a lack of energy. She is able to get around fine, but she is unable to pick up the kids and hurt herself yesterday picking up a spindle of 100 CD’s. She can do some things around the house but doesn’t have enough energy to do what she wants to do.
Triann is taking her meds and is up to 4 of her chemo pills right now. The original goal was to add one pill a week until she reaches 12 per day. She is also taking her hormone pills also. She will have to do blood work this week and send it down to Houston to see what her levels are and the doctor will clear her to move up to the next step. She has been a bit nauseous but has been able to keep that in check.
I think she is just tired of healing and tired of not being able to do what she wants to do. I think she is also emotionally wore out also. This has been a bit of a roller coaster ride and she is exhausted mentally, emotionally and physically.
I have been having a hard time lately knowing what to do. I am in a very busy season at work right now, and have been coming home drained and without a lot of support for her. A lot different then when she was in the hospital and I was able to spend hours just sitting and talking. I said it before and will say it again, that might have been some of the best time we have spent together in our entire marriage. So I guess the biggest thing I can do right now is make time to just sit together.
If you haven’t guessed by now, I am figuring a lot of this out while I am writing, so probably not the best flowing post I have made, but maybe the most honest.
We went on a “date” last night. Left the kids at home and had dinner and watched a movie. I think we both enjoyed ourselves but it was awkward. There are so many things that both of us need from each other, and even though that was the first time we had been alone since the hospital, I don’t think either of us wanted to talk about them because we didn’t want to ruin that time. We tried a bit of serious conversation and it didn’t go well. So we just enjoyed each others company the rest of the night.
My biggest fear right now is that we get so busy with all of the holiday stuff on top of our already busy lives and we just push this away. But the other side of that is I don’t know how to even begin to talk about where we are without adding more stress to our relationship.
I know the right answer, we need to talk about it, but both of us do very well with stuffing things down and acting like everything is ok. I just think it is a shame to do that in light of the gift we have been given. I feel that we have both been reminded that life is short and we need to appreciate every day we have together. If that means a few rough ones while we sort some of this stuff out, then get on with the rest of life, I think it is what we should do.
Easier said (or typed) then done.
That’s how we are doing
I remember that from the days when my dad was sick – there were so many layers to how you were doing, that it was just easier, and less draining (emotionally) to let people know you were okay. Because over all, it probably was an okay day in the whole scheme of things. As for “stuffing” your feelings, sometimes that’s okay…in moderation of course. Sometimes you just need to act like everything is okay to make it through the day. You’ll know when it’s important to talk. I’m sorry to hear Triann is hurting still, i’m sure you’ve mentioned it to her doctor, but there must be something to do to get the pain under better control. She wont be able to heal if she’s in pain all the time. I know she has a hard time with drugs, i’m right there with her, but there are also really good anti-nausea drugs today, specifically designed for cancer patients. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about her and hope that every day will be a little bit better.