Complete faith is a lot harder than I thought. Last week I said that I was comfortable leaving Triann and her health in God’s hands. Meaning that other than supporting her and pursuing every treatment avenue there is nothing that I can do fix or change the situation. So in essence I am trusting Him to fix things or to give us the strength to get through it. I think it was easy to get to that point simply because of the futility of the situation.

I have not changed my feelings about Triann and her health, but now I am facing another trial from the financial side of things. Normal monthly medical expenses before all of this were $1000 a month. This is co pays for Dr appointments, medication and medical supplies. The new drugs the Dr says I have to start on will be an additional $1400 a month and we have no idea what Triann’s treatment and medication will add to that. That puts med expenses at $2400/mo not including premiums. I have an incredible job, but we are already living from check to check. I don’t think we have any extravagant or even luxurious expenses. The cable may be something we could cut but I don’t see 50/mo making a huge dent in this. What I am getting at is that I can’t see a reasonable fix for the fact that with my meds and Triann’s treatments/meds we will be adding an additional $1600-$2000 monthly burden on the budget.

What work could I expect to do that would add an additional 19-24k of income, or what could I possibly reduce in the budget short of housing that would free that kind of money up? We are not eligible for state or federal assistance due to my income, which again is excellent. And I am sure we could ask for help from family or friends, but while that may help in the short term what options are there in the long run?

Why am I able to turn over the health and future of the most important person in my life to Him, but I can’t release our financial situation. Both are clearly out of my control, and both have potentially devastating futures. I tell myself that it is because I don’t see how he can help with the finances, that there is no way to increase my income by that amount or reduce my expenses, it’s impossible. But how can I trust Him to heal Triann and her impossible disease.

The worst part is that I know that God is capable of anything, and I know that I am now putting limits on what he can do. Another prime example of me trying to control my life. God is patiently showing me that I don’t have control, and forcing me to come to Him in faith. Faith that He is all powerful, that He knows what we are going through and has a purpose, faith that He can give me the strength to handle it if I will only trust him.

I have faith, but feel like I am barely holding onto it. That I have to consistently remind myself that he is in control and not him. I don’t think that this mental anguish is where He wants me to be, but maybe it is something I have to go through to become who He wants me to be.

A man of faith.

Eric